Saturday, April 23, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Self seeker (let's get personal)

(Warning: ego realizations, lots of Me, Myself and I below!).

I am finally starting to see that I have an enormous (and annoying) tendency to edit myself before I have even begun to express myself, thus attempting to perfect something without having ever actually produced something in which to perfect! How completely ridiculous and silly! I have been putting myself in a box, limiting self expression, out of a fear of being put in a box by others. This permeates all areas of my life, socially and creatively. This fear has limited my relationships with others (and ultimately myself) - whether that be the instinct to draw back when others get too close, to completely shut down in the first place, never allowing something to develop, or not fully communicating my point of view because of being afraid that others won't accept me.

I suppose a first step toward expression was starting this blog a year and a half ago, but I want to step it up a notch. I realize now that I haven't been putting my personal story here much, and so in the pursuit of 'knowing thyself' I think I should get a little experimental by trying to just lay out my thoughts without editing or waiting (as I often do) to have a "full grasp". For if I am a Self seeker, in search of the true Self, than how can I see Self if I have limited my participation? "Right" or "wrong" as it may seem. I am really laying it all out here right now, my greatest fear (that I am currently aware of) is to be misunderstood, misinterpreted, "wrong", or shunned for being. It's odd because I have intellectually understood this absurdity for some time, but I've still been holding back, telling myself that I don't know how to change this behavior. Which brings me to a quote that I have long admired and had displayed in plain sight on my wall or fridge for the last 9 years, but just now seems to be seeping in:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

In the last couple years, as I have really begun to put conscious effort into learning about my Self/the universe, I have desperately been seeking for my purpose. The nuts and berries of truth I've been gathering along the path seem to be showing me that the purpose is to be, to exist, to create and to experience self. How wonderful! It seems as though it should be an easy task, but thus far it has been quite the challenge. If, as 'they' say "admitting you have a problem is the first step", then this is my attempt toward taking that first step, just as the fool steps off the edge of the cliff.

Even though I feel physical apprehension in my body as I write this, out of fear that this post will expose me (I suppose that could also be the caffeine),  I'm really feeling a push to be more transparent and honest, to experience what it's like to be vulnerable and open. If the change that I want to see in the world is a departure from dishonesty and manipulation, and recognition of each individual as their own authority, their own king and star, then I need to be that change - realizing these values within to see them without.

I suppose much of these realizations also have come about because I have been dissecting my blog, looking at what it is saying overall and wondering how it can evolve. Although I enjoy the process of creating it and I appreciate that it has been a valuable tool for integrating the things I'm learning and sharing in it with others, it seems that unless I put myself into it, my own personal story, it is ultimately just information that could be found in many other places.

Isn't it strange how a 'self seeking individual' or being 'self concious' are terms of which negative connotations have been applied?

self-seek·ing (slfskng)
1. Pursuing only one's own ends or interests.
2. Exhibiting concern only with promoting one's own ends or interests: self-seeking maneuvers.
Determined pursuit of one's own ends or interests.
Wikipedia: "Self-consciousness is an acute sense of self-awareness. It is a preoccupation with oneself..."

These terms have new meaning when we realize that every other individual and thing is in fact our Self.

I was giddy to see the word acute in the definition of self-consciousness, as it once again refers to something sharp that can cut. By penetrating into our own experience, we are our own tailors, creating and shaping our Self.


The recent synchronicities to cutting and tailor/taylor has had a special connection for me, as 3 years ago I completed an apparel design program where I had spent 2 intense years learning tailoring and pattern making skills and the process of bringing inspiration into physical form. Only at the time I had no idea that these skills were the foundation of more than just a possible career in the apparel industry. The attention to tailor coincided with my reading about the Four Qabalistic Worlds, and in combination with the subjects of posts past and astrological connections (that I hope to dive into here in the future), this lead me to further awareness that I already possess the tools and know how to create my self, as we are always creating ourselves, now the task is to choose to consciously create. Like the Magician!

I realize that the above "realizations" were probably common knowledge for some from a young age, but that's the beauty of our individual experience, our microcosm in the macrocosm.

"...we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively..." ~ Bill Hicks

I keep coming back to something I was thinking about weeks ago, and wrote a little about in a post at the mask of god blog. "...god has multiple personality dis?order, or perhaps {banana}split personality? A different perspective begets a different experience. What better way to perpetually create than to peer through infinite eyes?"
The experience of being YOU is YOU-nique. Each story is valuable. What are you afraid of? What makes you feel alive? What do you think the universe has to do with you?

Alright, there is more I would love to add, but I best just publish this now, otherwise I may never do it - and that would halt the experiment [yet again]! ;)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

yod-eling to the firey break through / this little light of mine

*Updated 4/7/11

 I have begun to have a greater appreciation for the connection between the fiery creative energy and nature's law of cutting/dividing.

The Hebrew letter Shin, (representing the element of Fire and Spirit and associated with the Judgment/Aeon card in the tarot) means 'tooth'. Teeth cut through things too! They are tools for cutting and chewing our food in preparation for the transformation of energy. (There are also teeth on a saw). 

Hmmm, perhaps this is one reason why in recent weeks the Red Key of the local Key Bank keeps catching my eye in various locations...

Red is the color often associated with fire, and also the color connected to the root chakra. 

A key is a tool for separating 2 parts that are locked together, much like a sword, and is symbolic of knowledge, mystery, initiation. 
Within the spelling of Shin (ShYN ) is the Yod which means hand, it is an instrument of creation and a flame from which all of the Hebrew letters are born. Yod also represents the sign of Virgo, which is traditionally ruled by MERCURY, and the Hermit card in the tarot.

The other letter within the spelling of Shin is Nun. Nun means fish and like fertilizer is both decay and growth. It symbolizes the sign of Scorpio, and the Death card in the tarot. 

So within the letter Shin, is the firey, creative spirit which burns to bring about transformation and growth!

The path of Shin on the Qabalistic Tree of Life connects Kingdom (which is representative of the condensed, earthy physical realm that we are familiar, much like the root chakra) to  Splendor (associated with Mercury/Hermes/Thoth). 

"'The Splendor of the Material World. Mercury acting through Fire, upon the Cosmic elements.' In other words this path serves to awaken the Intellectual center (Mercury) in the psyche (Cosmic elements) of the initiate using Yod energy."~
Self-Initiation Into the Golden Dawn Traditionby Chic Cicero and Sandra Tabatha Cicero

(*It seems fitting that MERCURY happens to be in the FIRE sign of Aries presently.)

The word Splendor means brilliance, bright and shining. It's interesting that the root of the word Black is also to burn, gleam, shine, flash. What burns (breaks earth down), is flashy and brilliant? Yes indeed, Fire! 

Thursday morning when I couldn't sleep I wrote down some thoughts: 
Nature creates by dividing. Things must be broken to pieces in order to put them together again in a new way. Our purpose is to create our self. If the point was to arrive at an end point, where we can experience total unity and bliss, free of hardship, than there would be no need to experience, change, evolve, create - for the peaceful loving union is already the primal nature of the universe/god/all/nothing. In order to experience all of the infinite possibilities and facets of our Self, our higher intelligence urges us to seek destruction so that we may have ingredients to play and build with.

On a personal level, what scorches you, beats you up, and breaks you down is most definitely what will lead you to growth, greater understanding, and fuel your creativity. Facing your fear and pain is your initiation, your ignition.

 Now I'm finding it interesting to read the first chapter of Genesis with a different view of the word 'saw', as a tool of dividing, which shows us how we see the world in parts rather than a whole. Also interesting is that the inverse of SAW is WAS. It gives new perspective to, "...and God saw that it was good."

spirit/nothing(God) divided(saw) that it could experience/unite/be(was) spirit/everything(good/god)

Just yesterday afternoon I read the following:

The Secret of the Shem-Ha-Mephorash
"God is.

Undivided God is pure potentiality
and realizes Nothing.
and then experiencing all possibilities
through the adventures of Its many parts.

The ultimate purpose for My existence is to
exhaust My individual potentiality.

My Love for God and God's Love for Me springs from
the Great Secret we share.

The Secret is

God and I will achieve Supreme Enlightenment 
at the same moment." 
~ Rabbi Lamed Ben Clifford (aka Lon Milo Duquette in his delightful work, The Chicken Qabalah)

"For I am divided for love's sake, for the chance of union. This is the creation of the world, that the pain of division is as nothing, and the joy of dissolution all." ~ Aiwass, The Book of the Law written by Aleister Crowley

I guess because of being inspired by these connections I have been singing "This Little Light of Mine" lately. Today I looked up the song lyrics to see if they are the same as I remember learning them in Sunday school as a 3 or 4 year old, and in the process was pointed to the clip of Christina Ricci singing the song in the movie Black Snake Moan:

And this prompted me to remember that in that film, Christina plays the character Rae (meaning, 'beam of light'), who is chained to a RADIATOR (fitting with the current radiation crisis happening after the recent devastating quake and tsunami in Japan) by a blues man named Lazarus (the well known name of the dead man brought back to life by Christ. Some have also made the comparison to the Egyptian deity Osiris).

 I think I shall have to watch that movie again...

"everything is hotter down south" 
serpent fire

*4/10/11 - Sometimes for fun I will click on "Next Blog" at the top of the blogger page. Today it brought me here with these appropriate images:


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