Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Self seeker (let's get personal)

(Warning: ego realizations, lots of Me, Myself and I below!).

I am finally starting to see that I have an enormous (and annoying) tendency to edit myself before I have even begun to express myself, thus attempting to perfect something without having ever actually produced something in which to perfect! How completely ridiculous and silly! I have been putting myself in a box, limiting self expression, out of a fear of being put in a box by others. This permeates all areas of my life, socially and creatively. This fear has limited my relationships with others (and ultimately myself) - whether that be the instinct to draw back when others get too close, to completely shut down in the first place, never allowing something to develop, or not fully communicating my point of view because of being afraid that others won't accept me.

I suppose a first step toward expression was starting this blog a year and a half ago, but I want to step it up a notch. I realize now that I haven't been putting my personal story here much, and so in the pursuit of 'knowing thyself' I think I should get a little experimental by trying to just lay out my thoughts without editing or waiting (as I often do) to have a "full grasp". For if I am a Self seeker, in search of the true Self, than how can I see Self if I have limited my participation? "Right" or "wrong" as it may seem. I am really laying it all out here right now, my greatest fear (that I am currently aware of) is to be misunderstood, misinterpreted, "wrong", or shunned for being. It's odd because I have intellectually understood this absurdity for some time, but I've still been holding back, telling myself that I don't know how to change this behavior. Which brings me to a quote that I have long admired and had displayed in plain sight on my wall or fridge for the last 9 years, but just now seems to be seeping in:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

In the last couple years, as I have really begun to put conscious effort into learning about my Self/the universe, I have desperately been seeking for my purpose. The nuts and berries of truth I've been gathering along the path seem to be showing me that the purpose is to be, to exist, to create and to experience self. How wonderful! It seems as though it should be an easy task, but thus far it has been quite the challenge. If, as 'they' say "admitting you have a problem is the first step", then this is my attempt toward taking that first step, just as the fool steps off the edge of the cliff.

Even though I feel physical apprehension in my body as I write this, out of fear that this post will expose me (I suppose that could also be the caffeine),  I'm really feeling a push to be more transparent and honest, to experience what it's like to be vulnerable and open. If the change that I want to see in the world is a departure from dishonesty and manipulation, and recognition of each individual as their own authority, their own king and star, then I need to be that change - realizing these values within to see them without.

I suppose much of these realizations also have come about because I have been dissecting my blog, looking at what it is saying overall and wondering how it can evolve. Although I enjoy the process of creating it and I appreciate that it has been a valuable tool for integrating the things I'm learning and sharing in it with others, it seems that unless I put myself into it, my own personal story, it is ultimately just information that could be found in many other places.

Isn't it strange how a 'self seeking individual' or being 'self concious' are terms of which negative connotations have been applied?

self-seek·ing (slfskng)
1. Pursuing only one's own ends or interests.
2. Exhibiting concern only with promoting one's own ends or interests: self-seeking maneuvers.
Determined pursuit of one's own ends or interests.
Wikipedia: "Self-consciousness is an acute sense of self-awareness. It is a preoccupation with oneself..."

These terms have new meaning when we realize that every other individual and thing is in fact our Self.

I was giddy to see the word acute in the definition of self-consciousness, as it once again refers to something sharp that can cut. By penetrating into our own experience, we are our own tailors, creating and shaping our Self.


The recent synchronicities to cutting and tailor/taylor has had a special connection for me, as 3 years ago I completed an apparel design program where I had spent 2 intense years learning tailoring and pattern making skills and the process of bringing inspiration into physical form. Only at the time I had no idea that these skills were the foundation of more than just a possible career in the apparel industry. The attention to tailor coincided with my reading about the Four Qabalistic Worlds, and in combination with the subjects of posts past and astrological connections (that I hope to dive into here in the future), this lead me to further awareness that I already possess the tools and know how to create my self, as we are always creating ourselves, now the task is to choose to consciously create. Like the Magician!

I realize that the above "realizations" were probably common knowledge for some from a young age, but that's the beauty of our individual experience, our microcosm in the macrocosm.

"...we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively..." ~ Bill Hicks

I keep coming back to something I was thinking about weeks ago, and wrote a little about in a post at the mask of god blog. "...god has multiple personality dis?order, or perhaps {banana}split personality? A different perspective begets a different experience. What better way to perpetually create than to peer through infinite eyes?"
The experience of being YOU is YOU-nique. Each story is valuable. What are you afraid of? What makes you feel alive? What do you think the universe has to do with you?

Alright, there is more I would love to add, but I best just publish this now, otherwise I may never do it - and that would halt the experiment [yet again]! ;)


  1. "Misery is the realization that you are trapped in a prison that you created for yourself".

    I wrote this at a time in my life when I finally allowed myself to look inward without the safety net of excuses. It was the culmination of my understanding of myself at my lowest point of my life. Finally I took responsibility for my life, who I was (up till that point) and what I wasn't, I changed everything.

    I hope this is the start of more personalized blog. I really enjoyed it. Your blog has always been interesting and enjoyable for me, but your introspective point of view and honesty is appreciated.

    I loved this post. Thank you. -JE

  2. Thanks for your comment and for sharing some of your experience J. It's fascinating how we banish our self from knowing who we are in order to know who we are - the paradox of being human! I hope I will be able to continue pushing myself to share more of my personal journey - it might seem natural to some but it's a challenge for this girl - even now I am resisting the strong urge to delete! :)

  3. liked this.
    need to read again.

    you are not alone, and not the only fool!

  4. thank you much fellow fool/another eye :)


thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts! i'm inspired by what you have to say


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