aquarian musings

I've brought some show-and-tell: I used to write all of the time - just jotting down random thoughts automatically, creatively. Somehow I completely forgot about this old pastime until recently when my mom was trying to clear out her space and sent me home with a pile of old notebooks. Here are some thoughts that were flowing through me 10-15 years ago. (Well, these are the ones that weren't rooted in angsty love-lust). I look at them with such new eyes, like a mother amazed at the perceived big word that her toddler speaks. A time capsule: A young, limited experience, innocent - unaware, unconscious of what she did and didn't know. It makes me want to start writing again, in hopes that I may have some fun, inspirational reads to reflect on in another decade. I hope you enjoy, there is definitely a common theme!

(2000-2001)

The only thing I understand in this world is the desire to escape it. And the only thing I desire to excel at is breaking all of these limitations.


The worn path will wear you.



I miss being young and free
I miss the feeling of not knowing intoxicated pleasure
but just the moment itself
I will forever need my mothers nourishment,
I now realize
Nourish yourself; her wisdom



What is wholesome?
What is good?
I watch us take each step carefully along the hard, narrow cement after one another
Conformity? Is that good?
All of these gigantic boxes really get into my head sometimes
And I long for the water, 
the air that tunnels through trees and passes through my body
awakening my senses and thoughts with each inhale
I long for moments in life where my eyes easily close 
without the heaviness of the material world 
pressing in on my brain and exhausting my intentions 
to try to free myself from the assembly line.

You've always resisted opening your eyes underwater because you're afraid of the sting. But you get used to it, and then you realize how much you were missing, and how many wrong turns you made, just because you feared the discomfort that seeing entailed.


(1997-1998)

This Blank Piece of Paper
This is my bible
Whatever I write
I follow
If I disagree with myself...
I cross it out and rewrite
These words that I have written
This is what I follow
This is what I believe
These are my thoughts, my faith in myself
This Blank Piece of Paper
This is my bible.

What would you say if you bumped into yourself?
Would you say 'excuse me' or would you blow you off?
Swear to your mother or plot to kill your soul
Save you from the cowardly planet
Save you from the dog next door
Save you from the fire in the sky
Save you from the vision of the MAN wearing that weird bow tie.
If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of a man working on the chain...right next to you.
If you watch carefully, you can see that the small print reads
"I wouldn't sign this if I were you, but instead I'm me, and I'm getting paid to sucker you in."




The slope of the shadow along the torso
leads to the nature, the long, since prehistoric obsession
The touch, the smell of living, breathing
It is within only your comprehension that the mystique is uncovered
Your own eyes, your own hands
Your own heart, YOUR OWN
Where we come from
What we search for
Its more than flesh, its more than blood
And although senses mightbe heightened, its not what you'll feel for eternity
In that place between 

Go through the maze and reach for the light. 

 On your mark, get set...go

I feel as though you understand
And that even though you don't know my place of birth,
you know who I am, I am you
You know my passion that remains hidden - and you didn't even have to look.
You're special.
You are on fire.
You feel and your soul is lifted by the steam of your heart. 
I love you as a person - you're a true human - you feel. 
Hold my hand like the grass is rooted in the earth. Complimentary.

(painting by Gil Gatfield)