for what it's worth

I wrote the following over a year ago and wasn’t quite ready to share it with anyone, it was just a spontaneous outpouring of thoughts and feelings about the state of the world. My thoughts and feelings have continued to develop surrounding this topic since writing this, but for whatever reason, (well I suppose it is all this attention to the collective debt) I am finally ready to share it...although maybe still a little apprehensive, as these issues are hypersensitive. This is basically about humanity’s issue of self worth and the collective need to realize our own inner power and resources. I hope you will find something of value to you here, but please don't mistake me for trying to force my own thoughts or values on anyone else, mainly it was written as an exploration of my own values. I wholeheartedly admit that much of this could seem hypocritical as I obviously still participate in much of the current system. But these are the questions I'm asking, mainly of myself, and I think that is the first step. These days I am trying really hard to stay away from putting all my eggs in one basket and 'believing' in any one thing, but I don't think you can go wrong with questioning everything, arriving at your own conclusions (for that moment) based on the truth within your heart, and attempting to live by that. Anyhow, here it is:

EVERYTHING is Energy. That is an indisputable, scientifically provable fact.  In this society, we use money as a symbol for our energy. We trade our energy for money through some form of effort. Then we trade the money for energy, such as food/calories. Whatever we give our money to grows.  It is like feeding a plant; fueling, giving energy to an idea, a business, etc.  This is basically the same thing as "voting with your money". So shouldn’t we be giving our energy (spending our money) on what we want to grow? We should be doing our research, paying attention to what practices go into the production of what we are energizing.  Because the truth of the matter is, if we disagree with how people/animals/the earth/our own bodies are being treated and affected by the production of some material, it WILL shrivel up and die if we don’t give our energy (money) to it. If we don’t water the plant, it dies, and the energy is released and goes elsewhere. On the same note, what we do think is honest, healthy and uplifting WILL flourish with the flow of our energy and intention. 

Of course, this should be examined even further. Why do we choose money to represent our energy? When you research the system of money, it really does appear to be close to the root of some very disparaging and horrific things in this world. It makes room for the greedy middle man. If you note the flow of the energy: 

Effort, that is, physical and/or mental work (energy) --> money (energy) -->sustenance (energy)-->repeat.

What happened, why can’t it just be: effort (energy) -->sustenance (energy) -->repeat ?

Things are clearly out of balance here. A very small minority is getting large amounts of energy (money) by literally having the idea to produce and allocate said money. And the rest of us are doing a whole lot of work for that money so that we can attempt to gain the energy back that it took to gain that money. No wonder we are so tired, we are working  our butts off for that money, and yet the money is decreasing in value, so our self worth is going down along with it.  How much do we value ourselves? Why are we letting someone else, whom we deem an authority on us, decide how much our time and energy is worth? Furthermore, why do we deem anyone outside of ourselves an authority?  Hey, I’m just asking questions here… If we were working for our own sustenance directly, rather than to sustain a system that rewards a minority, wouldn’t we feel a lot more fulfilled, inspired and energized? And when I’m speaking of sustenance I don’t just mean food, clothing and shelter, but what feeds our soul as well, whether that is music, art, science, philosophy, sport, whatever it is. Most of us don’t even have the time or strength to put energy into what makes us happy. What is the point of that? Why are we working so hard just to barely make enough money to give us the basic energy sustenance that we need? And not to mention the people who don’t have the opportunity or resources to even gain enough money to acquire the most basic material sustenance of food and thus don’t have the energy to put forth.

Additionally, look at our addictions:  to food, to alcohol, prescription drugs, illegal drugs, shopping, watching television, sex, etc. It is all to try to FILL us up. We feel void, we feel like we aren’t getting what we need. We feel empty, hungry, tired, uninspired. All symptoms that we aren’t getting enough what? Yes…ENERGY! It is inevitable that we need to expend energy to gain energy, but when we are expending our energy for a symbol or an energy replacement that has an arbitrary value, we aren’t getting what we are giving, some will get more, and most will get far far less.  

But we are not just giving away our energy for a return of a faux energy, we actually also give up our freedom of choice as well – because we must show up when someone else tells us to, no matter what our needs may be. Once again, whoever it is that has traded us our time and energy in turn for money is getting the real form of our energy, and what did they have to give in order to get the good stuff from us? Did they give us real energy in return? No they gave us energy replacement (money), which can change in value on a whim. That hardly seems fair. And you might argue that not everything in life is fair. But ask yourself, who decided that?

So the real issue is not actually money, the real underlying issue is our beliefs, which are symptomatically shown through our relationship to money and the people we give power to, that we allow to control the money/energy and thus, control us. It all starts with an honest look at ourselves and what we value. And as I’m sure you have noticed, I have A LOT of questions. Why do we need money? Who ‘owns’ the resources on this planet? What and who are we really working for? Who is the authority? Why are they the authority? And why do we want them to be the authority? Honestly, it appears that most of us don’t want to be an authority, because that would entail personal responsibility, so we place the power outside of ourselves and thus don’t have to look inward when things aren't going smoothly. We’re afraid of the decisions and we’re afraid of the really hard work. It is harder to choose to stop working for something you don’t believe in, and to work toward building something new, than to go along with a system that is already in place, (no matter if that system is working or not).

“Fear of fate is a very understandable phenomenon, for it is incalculable, immeasurable, full of unknown dangers. The perpetual hesitation of the neurotic to launch out into life is readily explained by this desire to stand aside so as not to get involved in the dangerous struggle for existence. But anyone who refuses to experience life must stifle his desire to live – in other words, he must commit partial suicide.” – Carl Jung

"The soft-minded man always fears change. He feels security in the status quo, and he has an almost morbid fear of the new. For him, the greatest pain is the pain of a new idea." - Martin Luther King

However, the real secret is that the hardest work brings the greatest achievements. We’ve always known the real secret, but we forget because it’s so simple that we take it for granted.  We squirm at the thought of facing our fears and going through pain, but if we could just muster up the courage to go through it, something really beautiful WILL happen. Transformation. Fulfillment.

“The greater the tension, the greater is the potential. Great energy springs from a correspondingly great tension between opposites.” – Carl Jung

How can we balance the energy? The first step is looking inward, at the "good" and the "bad", the positive and negative, being honest with yourself about your fears. 'Face your fears.' We have heard this so many times that it has almost become cliche. But it is a core truth. The way that we can grow stronger is by digging deep into the nitty-gritty. We can treat ourselves and our community just as we would a garden. Little by little we can grow what we believe in, and starve what we don’t support.   It’s all about you. It's all about me. It’s all about us. It’s about what we choose. With the direction of our personal energy, we create what we want to see. It doesn’t always happen immediately in this world, and it definitely doesn’t always happen easily, but effort will ALWAYS bear fruit eventually. All things require effort of some degree. It’s up to you, me, us to decide what kind of fruit we want to create…

 I’m dreaming of a world, where everyone is recognized for their talents, where everyone puts their energy and time into what inspires them, and we do it well. How beautiful would it be, to live in a place where everything was created to the full potential?  How nice for us all to live harmoniously together, exchanging our energy with each other honestly? Why do so many of us believe that a world like that is an impossibility? Where did we get that idea? Where do we get any of our ideas?

 “…people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.” – Mark Twain

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

And then there is the most important question of all...If all the world is symbolic, ("as within, so without") what does the disharmony and energy squandering in the physical world around you represent within yourself? And by 'yourself', I mean 'myself'.

While I was working on this post, I discovered that my husband was leaving this comment at the very same time in a Reddit thread:

"...I give you this oft quoted, AND taken for granted, nugget from Einstein. 'We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.' Albert Einstein

I'm of the Carl Jung influenced persuasion that everything that happens in the outer reality is a direct result of our inner realities. (btw The idea holds up pretty well, when looking through the lens of quantum physics!) You don't have to look far (probably yourself) to find inner dischord among the populace. Until this is emphasized, all the voting, and politicking, and pointing fingers at others will be the equivalent of trying to wash a dirty window with an oily rag. Until WE ALL turn the attention within, THIS is what we are stuck with. The "State" is just a state of mind. A box that we need to start thinking outside of. Because, not only is this system not viable long term, it is spiraling into oblivion exponentially! ......Getting back to quantum physics, it has been widely demonstrated that, essentially, we are all intrinsically interconnected on an energetic level. If you really think about it, every time you help someone, you help yourself. But most importantly, every time you help yourself, you help the rest of us! From there, you could get into conversation on the collective sub-consciousness , and so on, and yadda yadda yadda. So as a step of change in the right direction (nothing is gonna get better over night) we need to shift our value system from one that is only of material wealth to one that recognizes more subtle forms of value. Subtle values which have shown to be absolutely vital to the harmony and order of the universe. Values like learning that the whole is greater than just the sum of its parts, how to learn, to share, to contribute, to love others, but most importantly to love yourself, and to learn to, AND how to, develop yourself (It will be different for each individual). For until each one of us realize that the only genuine sovereign authority is ourselves, there will always be problems with authority. And as long as we keep placing that authority outside ourselves, somebody will be there to usurp the role for us, and we will have nobody to blame but ourselves.." - MK

Guess it's the theme of the household :) 

Now I'm pondering: If TIME is MONEY, and MONEY is ENERGY, than TIME is ENERGY...? 

It goes even deeper when we realize that no one is truly 'outside' of our Self 

Self seeker (let's get personal)

(Warning: ego realizations, lots of Me, Myself and I below!).

I am finally starting to see that I have an enormous (and annoying) tendency to edit myself before I have even begun to express myself, thus attempting to perfect something without having ever actually produced something in which to perfect! How completely ridiculous and silly! I have been putting myself in a box, limiting self expression, out of a fear of being put in a box by others. This permeates all areas of my life, socially and creatively. This fear has limited my relationships with others (and ultimately myself) - whether that be the instinct to draw back when others get too close, to completely shut down in the first place, never allowing something to develop, or not fully communicating my point of view because of being afraid that others won't accept me.

I suppose a first step toward expression was starting this blog a year and a half ago, but I want to step it up a notch. I realize now that I haven't been putting my personal story here much, and so in the pursuit of 'knowing thyself' I think I should get a little experimental by trying to just lay out my thoughts without editing or waiting (as I often do) to have a "full grasp". For if I am a Self seeker, in search of the true Self, than how can I see Self if I have limited my participation? "Right" or "wrong" as it may seem. I am really laying it all out here right now, my greatest fear (that I am currently aware of) is to be misunderstood, misinterpreted, "wrong", or shunned for being. It's odd because I have intellectually understood this absurdity for some time, but I've still been holding back, telling myself that I don't know how to change this behavior. Which brings me to a quote that I have long admired and had displayed in plain sight on my wall or fridge for the last 9 years, but just now seems to be seeping in:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

In the last couple years, as I have really begun to put conscious effort into learning about my Self/the universe, I have desperately been seeking for my purpose. The nuts and berries of truth I've been gathering along the path seem to be showing me that the purpose is to be, to exist, to create and to experience self. How wonderful! It seems as though it should be an easy task, but thus far it has been quite the challenge. If, as 'they' say "admitting you have a problem is the first step", then this is my attempt toward taking that first step, just as the fool steps off the edge of the cliff.

Even though I feel physical apprehension in my body as I write this, out of fear that this post will expose me (I suppose that could also be the caffeine),  I'm really feeling a push to be more transparent and honest, to experience what it's like to be vulnerable and open. If the change that I want to see in the world is a departure from dishonesty and manipulation, and recognition of each individual as their own authority, their own king and star, then I need to be that change - realizing these values within to see them without.

I suppose much of these realizations also have come about because I have been dissecting my blog, looking at what it is saying overall and wondering how it can evolve. Although I enjoy the process of creating it and I appreciate that it has been a valuable tool for integrating the things I'm learning and sharing in it with others, it seems that unless I put myself into it, my own personal story, it is ultimately just information that could be found in many other places.

Isn't it strange how a 'self seeking individual' or being 'self concious' are terms of which negative connotations have been applied?

self-seek·ing (slfskng)

adj.

1. Pursuing only one's own ends or interests.

2. Exhibiting concern only with promoting one's own ends or interests: self-seeking maneuvers.

n.

Determined pursuit of one's own ends or interests.

Wikipedia: "Self-consciousness is an acute sense of self-awareness. It is a preoccupation with oneself..."

These terms have new meaning when we realize that every other individual and thing is in fact our Self.

I was giddy to see the word acute in the definition of self-consciousness, as it once again refers to something sharp that can cut. By penetrating into our own experience, we are our own tailors, creating and shaping our Self.

 

The recent synchronicities to cutting and tailor/taylor has had a special connection for me, as 3 years ago I completed an apparel design program where I had spent 2 intense years learning tailoring and pattern making skills and the process of bringing inspiration into physical form. Only at the time I had no idea that these skills were the foundation of more than just a possible career in the apparel industry. The attention to tailor coincided with my reading about the Four Qabalistic Worlds, and in combination with the subjects of posts past and astrological connections (that I hope to dive into here in the future), this lead me to further awareness that I already possess the tools and know how to create my self, as we are always creating ourselves, now the task is to choose to consciously create. Like the Magician!

I realize that the above "realizations" were probably common knowledge for some from a young age, but that's the beauty of our individual experience, our microcosm in the macrocosm.

"...we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively..." ~ Bill Hicks

I keep coming back to something I was thinking about weeks ago, and wrote a little about in a post at the mask of god blog. "...god has multiple personality dis?order, or perhaps {banana}split personality? A different perspective begets a different experience. What better way to perpetually create than to peer through infinite eyes?"

The experience of being YOU is YOU-nique. Each story is valuable. What are you afraid of? What makes you feel alive? What do you think the universe has to do with you?

Alright, there is more I would love to add, but I best just publish this now, otherwise I may never do it - and that would halt the experiment [yet again]! ;)

crystallization

Here are some excerpts from what I have been reading lately that have inspired me:

“Anthroposophically, bone is considered the hardened state of the first wave of spirit to encounter the realm of matter. Raw soul, entering the force field created by the embryo, is whorled deeper and deeper into the physical dimension until it resembles stone – a fascial cave of dripping lime. In this singular deed of grounding, it remains spirit; it also becomes newly crystalline and electromagnetic, a sacred quartz…at the heart of the body’s manifestation.” – Richard Grossinger, Planet Medicine -Modalities

“…Saturn represents concentrated experience and learning which comes only through life in the physical body, in the material plane. Through the resistance of matter and through the pressure of being incarnate in the physical body, we have the opportunity for developing a greater level of concentrated understanding and greater patience in our attitude toward life itself. Saturn is often said to “rule” the dense material plane. When one incarnates into the physical world, the energy field is constricted and thus concentrated. That is why earthly life is such a good experience, for here we learn through depth of experience, concentrated work, and through seeing the immediate results of our actions. The pain, tension, and pressure of earthly life therefore has an evolutionary and developmental purpose. The material plane is, as the poet T.S. Eliot writes, the point of intersection of the timeless with time. Saturn is the planet of time; and, through the Saturnian experience of living in the material world, where everything moves so slowly and where we have to work so hard to make anything happen or to grow in any way, one can make the greatest spiritual progress. It often seems to go too slowly, and our patience is tested at every point along the way, but persevering through the inert resistance of matter clearly shows us what is enduring and what isn’t, where we meet the tests and where we fail. Saturn’s action clearly shows us the cost of our desires and attachments; it starkly reveals the limitations of our ego; and it shows us that a highly concentrated consciousness and in-depth understanding are the main things we can take from this world when we leave it. It shows us the value of work, for all the wonderful beliefs and ideals ever thought of by human beings are of little value if they are not applied to everyday life through effort. Saturn’s pressure should therefore be taken as a helpful push toward doing the work that we need to do in order to develop at a deep level, rather than as something to dread and to try to escape from.”-Stephen Arroyo, Astrology, Karma & Transformation

*update 9/16/10* "Of all the planets only Saturn appears to have an exclusively material value, but as we have seen, this is deceptive because his function is to demonstrate the relativity of all tangible values. Through Saturn everything on the material plane takes on new meaning because it is seen as a symbol for an inner quality or state of being." -Liz Greene, Saturn: A New Look at an Old Devil

Learning about the Tarot has also inspired and made some interesting connections in my mind. The Devil and Heirophant cards in particular describe the archetypal energies that I am referencing in the above collage. You can view insightful interpretations of the cards by Michael Tsarion here:
http://www.taroscopes.com/major/hierophant.html
http://www.taroscopes.com/major/devil.html